Part 2

I don’t even know if this is going to actually be readable. I’ve sat down time and time again trying to start this, but just couldn’t. It wasn’t “writer’s block.” It was just that I couldn’t find the words to really express what our life was like when this happened. The emotions I went through, the roller coaster that derailed about 70 times, the not knowing, the emptiness. How does one even begin to reopen that box and put words on a page? Nothing I wrote did any justice to what it was actually like.

Let’s recap: Ultrasound confirmed we were having a girl. Ultrasound came up abnormal. Doctor made appointment with high risk the next day. Alex and Cassidy=broken.

I remember being so angry that I physically became ill. I was shaking, I couldn’t think straight. I texted my dad “start praying for your grandbaby now.” Alex called our pastors and prayer warriors. All of them had about 85 questions each, and we just had to tell them what we knew- that there was fluid on her brain. They immediately began praying that the healing anointing would flow from God and touch our baby girl. Alex anointed my belly and we both just started pleading with God. “Please Lord, please” was all that I could utter. I’m not actually sure what happened the rest of the day, but I know that Alex and I were just silent. Not that we were mad at each other, but because we didn’t have words to say.

Here Alex was watching his wife hurt and knowing his baby was “hurting” as well, and knowing that there was absolutely no words to help ease the pain. Here I was, being the person I am, running every last scenario through my head. Torturing myself on google. Going through our ultrasound pictures and imagining what went wrong. Did I eat something I wasn’t supposed to? Did I do something within the six weeks I didn’t know I was pregnant? Was it something I was being punished for?

Again, we prayed right before we went to sleep, “Lord. please heal our baby. Please let the fluid be gone tomorrow.”

When the next morning came around, Alex again anointed my belly. And we prayed and asked God to be with us in the room. And He was, just not in the way we had hoped. The lady came in, put the warm jelly on my stomach, and started taking many pictures of our sweet blessing. She was nice, talked to us the whole time, just trying to ease the tension in the room. She left, and again. We prayed. We were so devastated with the doctor came in.

“I’m afraid that it’s not good news.” My heart sank. The next words that came out of his mouth could have probably killed me. “It’s just not fluid, your daughter is missing parts of her brain. And she probably won’t survive past the second trimester.” I was gone. Again, my world went black. I came through as the doctor informed me about my “options.” I quickly jumped up and shut him down real fast.

He then said that I should do further testing. Before we left the doctor ordered an amniocentesis, and a conference call with a genetic counselor. Then he left the room.

Alex and I again, just fell silent. Tears were coming out of my eyes without even realizing it. Yes, they were sad tears. And I would be lying if I said there weren’t angry tears, but most of them were cries to God. I wanted so bad to be mad at Him. I wanted to be able to throw a fit and question Him like I had so many times before, but this was different. Yes, I was completely broken, but I was also comforted in knowing that I serve a big God.

No, God didn’t answer our prayers the way WE wanted him to. But we did know that God is a miracle worker and the God of life. So right then and there, Alex and I decided that we were going to pray life and life more abundantly over her like The Word says in John 10:10. The enemy really did come and try to steal, kill and destroy, but he messed with the wrong family. We knew Who our miracle rested in! We weren’t going down without a fight, a fight that we knew was already won!

God gave us this beautiful baby girl for a reason; she was ours. We were going to do whatever we had to do for this precious gift to have a chance at life. It was something we didn’t and still don’t take lightly.

We didn’t know what the future held other than constant monitoring and testing. We didn’t know how to plan for Ashtyn. We knew we were in for a journey, one with many twists and turns. We still didn’t have a confirmation on what just what we were dealing with, so that made it even harder. Many names were spilled out of disorders that it could possibly have been, but it didn’t matter. We loved our sweet baby, and trusted Jesus to do the things only He can do!

Part 1

A year ago yesterday we announced our pregnancy! We were so excited and ready to be parents, as ready as any first time parents could be at 16 weeks pregnant. I think Alex even wrote on his announcement that “we are ready and open” or something like that, boy if we knew what was to come.

Alex and I were lucky enough to be able to have our anatomy scan a tad early. What started out as a very exciting day for us, turned out to be one of the worst days of our lives. I remember everything leading up to the appointment so clearly. I was wearing my favorite green pants, a gray sweater, a tan scarf, and my most comfortable booties. Alex dropped me off at the school, we kissed goodbye with the excitement of knowing we would find out what our little babe would be. I could barely concentrate while teaching my students, Ashtyn was very active that day, and I found myself looking at the clock willing it to just speed up. Alex met me out front, we held hands all the way to the doctor’s office discussing what we thought we were going to be having. I knew it was a girl, he thought it was a boy. Our name was called, and my heart skipped a beat.

Nothing could have prepared me for what was coming. I remember seeing her hands, counting fingers, looking at her long legs and toes, seeing her heart beat, and watching her wiggle. I was so in love. So much in love it actually took my breath away. I vowed right then and there to be the best mother I could possibly be. I started praying over the tiny little human, and in the middle of my prayer, my world went black. “Congratulations! It’s a girl. And there’s something wrong.”

I’m not actually sure what happened next. I heard the words: brain, fluid, underdeveloped, could be nothing. But I could not focus, the room was spinning, I felt something wet on my face, turns out I had been crying. My body was on fire. I couldn’t breathe. I was devastated. I know we didn’t go back out into the waiting room, but didn’t stay in the ultrasound room. I don’t know how I got where they put us, but I came through as the doctor came in. I guess I must have been in a daze of some sort, because the doctor was talking to Alex about the appointment he made for us with ROC- a high risk pregnancy doctor.

High risk? How could I be high risk? I just saw a beautiful baby girl with the longest legs and beautiful profile. “What do you mean high risk?” I muttered. The room went silent. “Well there is fluid-” the doctor began. “No. Cut it to me straight doc, what is wrong with my baby?” Alex quickly grabbed my hand and I snatched it away. “Stop coddling me, in your years of experience, what does this look like to you?” The doctor began uttering things off about hydrocephalus, getting a shunt, and blah blah blah. I tuned him out about 30 seconds before he started speaking.

I was SO mad. Mad at the ultrasound lady, mad at the doctor, mad at Alex, mad at everyone in the waiting room, mad at the stupid bird in the parking lot. I was HOT. How could this happen? How could this tiny human not be “perfect”? I prayed against illness and disease and ailments as soon as I found I was pregnant! So, what? Did God only answer my prayers about letting her be a girl, and ignore all my other requests? Was this a joke to him?

I became furious at God. I started yelling, questioning, screaming, and crying at him. I was so hurt and confused. Why God? Why? Why me? Why not the addicted to drugs mother? Why not the abusive mother? Why not the mother down the street? Why me? The one who has served you. The one who goes to church. The one who worships you. The one who does ministry. WHY? I was so hurt. I was so scared. I was so lost. I just didn’t know what else to do then question and yell at God. After all, he is the one who created mankind.

The thing about God is, is that he can handle feelings. He welcomed my anger. And the even cooler thing is, is when I was yelling and questioning, he never stopped loving me. He understood how I felt. He wrapped me in His arms and never let go. His goodness and mercy never faded.

Part 2 will dive even deeper into the start of our journey with Ashtyn and how good God is. Stay tuned!

In the Beginning

After talking and researching I seemed to have had a normal pregnancy. Food aversions, smell aversions, overly tired, and oh my flipping goodness.. morning sickness. It would be nothing for me to be driving with my head out the window throwing up on my way to school.

I had the best support system. Alex picked up a lot of the extra duties because I was dead by the end of student teaching. I seriously have the best husband in the world. I actually got a lot of support from my students and the classroom teachers. They all knew before Alex and I announced it, so they had to deal with the morning sickness and the random tiredness. They even set me up a fan and a trash can at my desk. They were all so attentive and I was so blessed to be at Cleveland High!

In the beginning of our pregnancy we decided that we were not going to tell many people right off the bat. We told our parents, our pastors, and Alex may have let it slip to one or more. He was just so excited. We really wanted to be able to enjoy as much as possible without the unwarranted advice, the unwanted bump touching, and the random “when I was pregnant” stories. And we got to do just that.

We got a lot of grief about not letting people rejoice with us, but ultimately it was our decision. And it is one that I would make again. We got even more grief about keeping Ashtyn’s diagnosis to ourselves at first, too. It was just Jesus, Alex, Ashtyn and me. The way it should have been, and the way it will continue to be.

Family is the first ministry, and we were faced with an attack head on. We did what anyone would do. Prayed. And prayed. And prayed some more. We worshiped. Despite our pain, we still thanked Him for his goodness. We were experiencing the miracle of life by just being pregnant, which is something families can only hope for. We were blessed. And we held on to that.

I’ll explain more in a future blog, but the peace we felt as soon as we received the news was so overwhelming. Our true support system during our whole journey, now included, has been the King of Kings and his peace. I pray that as you read this, you can find the peace that Alex and I experience day by day as Ashtyn’s earthly parents. It really is the most amazing feeling.