Heartache on Christmas

The holidays are hard for multiple people for multiple reasons. Missing family members, comparison sneaks in, seasonal depression.. but the one that isn’t talked about much is the heartache of a special needs parent on Christmas.

When I first found out I was pregnant with Ashtyn I pictured each birthday, holiday, all the milestones. What I pictured vanished once her diagnosis became our reality. A hole started to form in my heart. No first words, steps, cake smashes, opening presents, temper tantrums.

Something so simple happened yesterday that sent sadness shooting into my body. Traveling home, we stopped at a gas station. As I was coming out of the bathroom a little boy and his father were passing the coolers. With all his might and the cutest country accent the little boy said, “oh I sure hope that they have my chocolate milk.” I walked out of the gas station thinking “Oh, how I wish I could walk into gas stations with my little girl holding my hand.”

Christmas shopping is hard, too. Ashtyn officially crossed into the toddler isle a few months ago, which was a whole other tear jerking event. So, shopping for clothes is about it when it comes to presents. We are still in the baby isle for toys, because anything else would just collect dust. Leaving a heartache for more.

I sound like I’m complaining. I’m not. Ashtyn is here. Her third Christmas with us, that is a victory in my book. I’m so in love with my little girl. But sometimes, I still get the visions I had when I was first pregnant – and long for them with every bone in my body.

Having a child with special needs opens your eyes to so much. I wouldn’t trade the lessons I have learned for anything. I savor every moment. I take time to “smell the roses”. I get to be who she is dependent on for a little while longer, and that makes my heart so happy. Every holiday, birthday, and event is a blessing and so so SO cherished.

If you happen to be a special needs parent reading this: I see you. I feel your pain. You are not alone even though it feels like it. You’re doing amazing. If you happen to know a special needs parent- BE PATIENT. It’s a tough time right now. We, special needs parents, walk into every situation with an escape route knowing that sometimes our children can’t handle the hustle and bustle that comes with the holiday season. We aren’t being rude, we are just prepared. We are very aware of the “pity face”. We smile, but something breaks a little every time. We don’t need your pity. We need love and support. Most of all, love our child.

My family loves Christmas. We love what it represents and getting to celebrate with family and friends. We are very thankful for our tiny circle of support. We sincerely hope you have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year!

A n x i e t y

Whew. Talk about being vulnerable. Here we go.

One thing about me that I try to mask is the fact I have crippling anxiety. Like up 24 hours, needs four weighted blankets to fall asleep, sensory overload anxiety.

I’ve had it for as long as I remember. I can distinctly recall praying to the Lord that my house wouldn’t burn down while we were gone. I’d pray that my dad would drive safe so he didn’t get in an accident. I would worry about my siblings getting kidnapped. Just crazy stuff that a 10 year old shouldn’t worry about. I never talked about it. Mom and dad, if you’re reading this, hello. I should have come to you. But my anxiety told me I was too much of a burden anyways.

I’m 25 now, but I remember things from my childhood. Conversations I’ve had with friends and what I said, CRYING in class because my penmanship was ugly, sleepovers I wasn’t invited too, things that I did. They play in my head over and over and give me just as much anxiety now as they did then.

Those past experiences keep me from doing things now. I tried overcoming one of those obstacles the other day- praying out loud over someone. Ya’ll I was shaking. Not in the Holy Ghost either. As soon as I was done, anxiety IMMEDIATELY crept in. “That was the dumbest prayer. Do you even know how to pray. That prayer probably didn’t even help the situation, might have even made it worse. You’re never going to be asked to pray for someone again.” This prayer will stick with me for the rest of forever. Like a movie reel. And that within itself gives me anxiety.

I’ve had panic attacks in the past. Some worse than others. This last one though…. Never again do I want to experience anything like it.. Recently some possible changes were thrown at me. Changes I didn’t expect or want. To be honest, I still don’t. I’m praying that something else works out. These possibilities knocked me into a downward spiral. I cried in front of coworkers, students saw the leftover tear marks, I started questioning my abilities, planning for plan B, C, D, and E if my plan A didn’t work. This attack lasted for DAYS. No exaggeration. I got sick from it, couldn’t get out of bed, cried for hours on end just thinking about it.

I wish anxiety had an off switch. And this is where Christian people say, “There is. His name is Jesus.” Don’t get me wrong here, Jesus is a miracle worker. He can do all things, including taking anxiety away. That just isn’t the case for me, yet. Which is okay. Does it mean I stop praying about it? Nope. I pray over it daily. But because my anxiety isn’t “cured” doesn’t make me less of a Christian. Nor does it mean Jesus loves me less than those who have been freed.

I’ve been on a journey to overcome anxiety. Some days are better than others, some I can’t even get out of bed. I was praying one day and I felt the Lord gave me this message “situations arise. My love is not situational. It is for every situation. My grace is for every situation. My love is for every situation.” Talk about being floored.

I know at times in my walk with The Lord I have made God to be situational. I’ve questioned his goodness in the dark time and I’ve praised Him like never before in the good times – as if in the dark times He wasn’t there and in the good times He became human again and blessed me like never before. The fact of the matter is, is that He is just as good in the bad times as He is in the good. He is good at being God. He does not change. His grace and mercy do not change. His love does not change.

Having a relationship with Jesus is having open access to all that He gives us peace, comfort, security, love. He gives it all to us as a gift. A gift is something we have to receive and open ourselves. Jesus doesn’t force anything upon us, I’m sure at times He wants to. I can just see Him wanting to shout “Hey! Cassidy! Here’s my peace I gave to you forever ago. Look right here!” And throwing it at my face. It’s a lesson we have learn, and probably the most valuable. He doesn’t set us up for failure, He gives us everything we need to thrive.

This lesson is something I’m learning daily. I’ve been studying peace after the whole down with anxiety for days on end shebaccle. And one of my favorite scriptures comes from John 14. The Passion Translation makes it super easy to catch a glimpse of who Jesus is and His heart for us: “I leave the gift of peace with you—my peace. Not the kind of fragile peace given by the world, but my perfect peace. Don’t yield to fear or be troubled in your hearts—instead, be courageous!” We can be courageous because God’s peace isn’t fragile, but perfect.

First comes love.

I am Cassidy. I am married to my wonderful husband, Alex, and together we made the most beautiful little girl to ever grace the planet. Our story isn’t the typical love at first sight story. We met through a mutual friend, and although he was interested, I was definitely not. I had sworn off men four days previous due to a breakup.

How many of you know that God’s plan is ALWAYS greater than the one we have mapped for ourselves? I had this perfect plan of just being single for the rest of my life with two dogs living in a condo. I was perfectly okay with it. In fact, I was more than okay. I was ready.

Fast forward about three months and I decided to finally give Alex a shot, and as some would say, the rest is history. It was definitely earned. Alex never let my “I am never going to date again” demeanor deter him from the pursuit. He knew what God had told him about us, and he held on. The man really does deserve an award. After I laid my stubbornness aside, Alex became my best friend. We connected unlike any connection either of us had ever experienced. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. It was truly meant to be, as cliche and annoying as that sounds.

In September of 2016, Alex asked me to marry him. At least that is what I think he asked, I couldn’t understand him through the waterfall of tears drowning out his words. I said yes, and the following year we were married.

It hasn’t been the easiest of roads to walk. It has actually been the most challenging time of my life. I am a very independent woman, and Alex is very much Mr. In Your Face. I had to relearn about myself over and over again, as well as relearn Alex over and over again.

The only love that is never changing comes from Jesus Christ himself who is the same as He was yesterday and will be forevermore. As humans we don’t have that luxury. Some days are better than others. Love changes. We change constantly. It’s inevitable. I love Alex way differently now than I did four years ago. Although my LOVE has never lessened, there are days that I LIKE him less (ask any couple, this is normal. And if you find a pair that says it isn’t true, they’re lying). There are days that he likes me less. And then there are days that we REALLLLLLYYYYY like each other… if you know what I mean.

It has been tough. At times it has been down right UGLY. But I love our life and the way we have wrapped ourselves around God. The way any relationship should be, and the way it was intended to be. Just look at Ephesians 4:09-12. That passage of scripture is what Alex and I try to mimic.

I highly suggest falling in love with the person our Father has in mind for you! It is absolutely beautiful,

Cassidy