Category: Uncategorized

Part 1

A year ago yesterday we announced our pregnancy! We were so excited and ready to be parents, as ready as any first time parents could be at 16 weeks pregnant. I think Alex even wrote on his announcement that “we are ready and open” or something like that, boy if we knew what was to come.

Alex and I were lucky enough to be able to have our anatomy scan a tad early. What started out as a very exciting day for us, turned out to be one of the worst days of our lives. I remember everything leading up to the appointment so clearly. I was wearing my favorite green pants, a gray sweater, a tan scarf, and my most comfortable booties. Alex dropped me off at the school, we kissed goodbye with the excitement of knowing we would find out what our little babe would be. I could barely concentrate while teaching my students, Ashtyn was very active that day, and I found myself looking at the clock willing it to just speed up. Alex met me out front, we held hands all the way to the doctor’s office discussing what we thought we were going to be having. I knew it was a girl, he thought it was a boy. Our name was called, and my heart skipped a beat.

Nothing could have prepared me for what was coming. I remember seeing her hands, counting fingers, looking at her long legs and toes, seeing her heart beat, and watching her wiggle. I was so in love. So much in love it actually took my breath away. I vowed right then and there to be the best mother I could possibly be. I started praying over the tiny little human, and in the middle of my prayer, my world went black. “Congratulations! It’s a girl. And there’s something wrong.”

I’m not actually sure what happened next. I heard the words: brain, fluid, underdeveloped, could be nothing. But I could not focus, the room was spinning, I felt something wet on my face, turns out I had been crying. My body was on fire. I couldn’t breathe. I was devastated. I know we didn’t go back out into the waiting room, but didn’t stay in the ultrasound room. I don’t know how I got where they put us, but I came through as the doctor came in. I guess I must have been in a daze of some sort, because the doctor was talking to Alex about the appointment he made for us with ROC- a high risk pregnancy doctor.

High risk? How could I be high risk? I just saw a beautiful baby girl with the longest legs and beautiful profile. “What do you mean high risk?” I muttered. The room went silent. “Well there is fluid-” the doctor began. “No. Cut it to me straight doc, what is wrong with my baby?” Alex quickly grabbed my hand and I snatched it away. “Stop coddling me, in your years of experience, what does this look like to you?” The doctor began uttering things off about hydrocephalus, getting a shunt, and blah blah blah. I tuned him out about 30 seconds before he started speaking.

I was SO mad. Mad at the ultrasound lady, mad at the doctor, mad at Alex, mad at everyone in the waiting room, mad at the stupid bird in the parking lot. I was HOT. How could this happen? How could this tiny human not be “perfect”? I prayed against illness and disease and ailments as soon as I found I was pregnant! So, what? Did God only answer my prayers about letting her be a girl, and ignore all my other requests? Was this a joke to him?

I became furious at God. I started yelling, questioning, screaming, and crying at him. I was so hurt and confused. Why God? Why? Why me? Why not the addicted to drugs mother? Why not the abusive mother? Why not the mother down the street? Why me? The one who has served you. The one who goes to church. The one who worships you. The one who does ministry. WHY? I was so hurt. I was so scared. I was so lost. I just didn’t know what else to do then question and yell at God. After all, he is the one who created mankind.

The thing about God is, is that he can handle feelings. He welcomed my anger. And the even cooler thing is, is when I was yelling and questioning, he never stopped loving me. He understood how I felt. He wrapped me in His arms and never let go. His goodness and mercy never faded.

Part 2 will dive even deeper into the start of our journey with Ashtyn and how good God is. Stay tuned!

In the Beginning

After talking and researching I seemed to have had a normal pregnancy. Food aversions, smell aversions, overly tired, and oh my flipping goodness.. morning sickness. It would be nothing for me to be driving with my head out the window throwing up on my way to school.

I had the best support system. Alex picked up a lot of the extra duties because I was dead by the end of student teaching. I seriously have the best husband in the world. I actually got a lot of support from my students and the classroom teachers. They all knew before Alex and I announced it, so they had to deal with the morning sickness and the random tiredness. They even set me up a fan and a trash can at my desk. They were all so attentive and I was so blessed to be at Cleveland High!

In the beginning of our pregnancy we decided that we were not going to tell many people right off the bat. We told our parents, our pastors, and Alex may have let it slip to one or more. He was just so excited. We really wanted to be able to enjoy as much as possible without the unwarranted advice, the unwanted bump touching, and the random “when I was pregnant” stories. And we got to do just that.

We got a lot of grief about not letting people rejoice with us, but ultimately it was our decision. And it is one that I would make again. We got even more grief about keeping Ashtyn’s diagnosis to ourselves at first, too. It was just Jesus, Alex, Ashtyn and me. The way it should have been, and the way it will continue to be.

Family is the first ministry, and we were faced with an attack head on. We did what anyone would do. Prayed. And prayed. And prayed some more. We worshiped. Despite our pain, we still thanked Him for his goodness. We were experiencing the miracle of life by just being pregnant, which is something families can only hope for. We were blessed. And we held on to that.

I’ll explain more in a future blog, but the peace we felt as soon as we received the news was so overwhelming. Our true support system during our whole journey, now included, has been the King of Kings and his peace. I pray that as you read this, you can find the peace that Alex and I experience day by day as Ashtyn’s earthly parents. It really is the most amazing feeling.

July 19, 2018

One year ago today I found out that I was pregnant with our sweet baby. I did NOT have the normal crying tears of joy reaction. In fact, it was the total opposite. What should have been one of the best moments of my life turned out to be the scariest.

I remember this day being like any other. Chilling with my doggo, cleaning up the house, getting ready for the semester and boiling chicken for supper that night. I also remember losing my lunch over the smell of boiling chicken, something that had never bothered me before.

And then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. Immediate panic. I whipped out my cycle tracker, sure enough… late. I thought back on the past couple of days and remembered cramps, tender breasts, and being more tired than usual. I didn’t pay any of these attention because they usually indicate that my cycle is around the corner, sorry TMI. I knew. I knew it before I even told Alex that I needed to go get a test. I knew that I was pregnant.

I went and bought not one, not two, not three, but FIVE pregnancy tests of varying type just to be sure. If you have never taken a pregnancy test before, it is as simple as peeing and waiting. Usually the wait is two-three minutes, but it didn’t take 10 seconds for the positive sign to appear. “Surely this is a false positive. It happened too fast. It didn’t take enough time to read accurately.” Who was I kidding, all five of them either spelled out pregnant or had that big ol’ blue positive sign. And I was devastated.

Don’t get me wrong, I have always wanted to be a mom. More than anything in the entire world. But I was about to enter into the most important semester of my life. I didn’t have time to be sick or for doctor appointments. I barely had time to blink, thanks to EdTPA. I had no idea how I was going to make it through. Ya’ll, talk to someone who has faced the demon that is edTPA and you will understand why I was freaking out. Alex and I were barely making it by in a one bedroom apartment, where the crap was I going to put a baby? How was I going to afford a baby, because one can’t work through student teaching? Diapers are expensive, guys. I knew this.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on you own understanding” really had a new meaning for me. The thing about God is that nothing surprises him. He is all knowing. He is all powerful. He is omnipresent. He knew Ashtyn would be given to us way before Alex and I did, ” “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you” says Jeremiah 1:5. God had already mapped this out. He knew what my load was during student teaching, and although I told God over and over and over that I didn’t know how I was going to work it out, He did.

Not only did I survive student teaching and pass edTPA, I graduated with honors. I just didn’t do this with being a “normal” pregnant, I knew at 18 weeks that there was a chance that Ashtyn may not survive. And I carried that weight with me every single day. But I pushed and pushed, and when I was weary God carried me miles at a time, without complaint. His peace was (and still is) so overwhelming and where I long to be each day.

God wants us to trust him. God wants to be able to walk our journey with us. And he wants to carry us when we are weary. He longs to be Jehovah Shalom. The hard part is getting over ourselves and letting him.

First comes love.

I am Cassidy. I am married to my wonderful husband, Alex, and together we made the most beautiful little girl to ever grace the planet. Our story isn’t the typical love at first sight story. We met through a mutual friend, and although he was interested, I was definitely not. I had sworn off men four days previous due to a breakup.

How many of you know that God’s plan is ALWAYS greater than the one we have mapped for ourselves? I had this perfect plan of just being single for the rest of my life with two dogs living in a condo. I was perfectly okay with it. In fact, I was more than okay. I was ready.

Fast forward about three months and I decided to finally give Alex a shot, and as some would say, the rest is history. It was definitely earned. Alex never let my “I am never going to date again” demeanor deter him from the pursuit. He knew what God had told him about us, and he held on. The man really does deserve an award. After I laid my stubbornness aside, Alex became my best friend. We connected unlike any connection either of us had ever experienced. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. It was truly meant to be, as cliche and annoying as that sounds.

In September of 2016, Alex asked me to marry him. At least that is what I think he asked, I couldn’t understand him through the waterfall of tears drowning out his words. I said yes, and the following year we were married.

It hasn’t been the easiest of roads to walk. It has actually been the most challenging time of my life. I am a very independent woman, and Alex is very much Mr. In Your Face. I had to relearn about myself over and over again, as well as relearn Alex over and over again.

The only love that is never changing comes from Jesus Christ himself who is the same as He was yesterday and will be forevermore. As humans we don’t have that luxury. Some days are better than others. Love changes. We change constantly. It’s inevitable. I love Alex way differently now than I did four years ago. Although my LOVE has never lessened, there are days that I LIKE him less (ask any couple, this is normal. And if you find a pair that says it isn’t true, they’re lying). There are days that he likes me less. And then there are days that we REALLLLLLYYYYY like each other… if you know what I mean.

It has been tough. At times it has been down right UGLY. But I love our life and the way we have wrapped ourselves around God. The way any relationship should be, and the way it was intended to be. Just look at Ephesians 4:09-12. That passage of scripture is what Alex and I try to mimic.

I highly suggest falling in love with the person our Father has in mind for you! It is absolutely beautiful,

Cassidy

Goal

My name is Cassidy and I (hopefully) will be co-writing this with my husband. This blog is to raise awareness of two things: Ashtyn’s condition, and who God has been to us throughout this journey.

There is no simple way to describe what Ashtyn has, holoprosencephaly. Which basically means that she only has one lobe of her brain, and missing the rest. Yes, this is life limiting, and yes we are aware that she can be called to be with Jesus at any time.

We know what doctors have said, but we know who our trust lies in. We know who has the final say. We know who controls the days we are on earth. So far we have had two wonderful months with our sweet girl, and as of right now everything looks to be in her favor. Each day is a blessing and we don’t take them for granted.

My hope is that you will tune in and stick with us through this journey. And that you will keep Ashtyn, her doctors, and our family in your prayers. We don’t want sympathy or to put on a show. This will be open, honest, and raw. I believe this blog is something that needs to be done to help us (mostly me) cope with having a very medically fragile child. I hope that as we (again probably mostly me) write about our feelings, frustrations, our daughter, and our God that you will find hope in your own journey.

Cassidy